What Life Was Like: The Prequel

I think the one thing I always dread talking about is my family. I know this is often a complicated subject for many people, with at least one fractured or estranged relationship. But for me, it’s my entire family. There are many stories I could share about each individual member (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.), but I want to ease you into it without overwhelming you.

Life as a Child

My home was always full of people—my parents, grandparents, and siblings. We often had relatives and family friends over almost every day. It’s hard to imagine that I grew up as a neglected child, but that’s exactly how it was. Family was physically present, but no one paid any attention to me. If they did, it was only briefly before heading out to meet their friends and go about their day. I was often left home alone while the adults did whatever adults do. The only "quality" family time together was when we all sat down for dinner.

I was never taught anything—no one taught me about right or wrong, good or bad, or any life skills. I hardly knew anything about my own family, as no one ever sat me down to share stories. I always had to beg to be taken with them whenever they would go out, but it was always the same: "Stay home, we’ll be back later." The rare times I did get to go out with my family were only when the kids were expected to be there. I would be the main focus during those outings, but as soon as we came home, it was back to me being alone. There was such a huge disconnect, but at that age, I didn’t realize that what was "normal" for me was actually dysfunctional.

Teenage Angst

I was forbidden to go out, and it almost felt like they never wanted me to have friends. Their reasoning was that I was the youngest AND the only girl. I would often sneak out of the apartment because no one was ever home for very long. It felt so liberating to be out with my friends, to feel a sense of freedom, rather than be captive in my own home. Where my family failed to teach me about life and everything in it, I had to learn from my friends, strangers, and the streets. The outside world was so much bigger than I ever realized.

I’ve always had a curious nature and a hunger for knowledge, perhaps because I felt empty and dumb for not knowing even the basics. I can honestly tell you that I learned nothing from my family—nothing at all. I even had to learn about Chinese culture from my friends. It’s pretty insane to grow up being Chinese without understanding why things are the way they are. A huge part of my identity was missing, and I often felt embarrassed or like an outcast for being different.

At Last... Adulthood

No one ever prepared me for what it meant to be an adult (work, taxes, bills, etc.). I continued navigating life the same way I always had: through my friends or strangers. Trial and error, making regrettable mistakes that I honestly didn’t know better from.

I thought that by finally becoming an adult, it would bring me closer to my family, but everything remained the same. As a child, I thought they didn’t share anything with me because I was too young. So, I wanted to grow up and build that connection I had longed for, but we still didn’t and couldn’t have normal conversations. In fact, I felt more and more distant, rather than closer.

Needless to say, I gave up trying. You can’t force something that isn’t there, and you can’t be the only one willing to try. While I may never know why things turned out the way they did, all I can do is accept it for what it is.

To Be Continued...

I know it may not sound like much, but I wanted to give everyone an idea of what life was like for me. My next story will provide a lot more details to fill in the gaps. I'll be diving deeper into my relationships with my family, starting with my mom.

For a long time, I presented a version of my life that was more palatable for others, creating a false narrative. I can no longer carry that with me. I understood why I needed it, but now it no longer serves me. By letting it go and living my truth, I didn't realize how much weight has been lifted off of me.

Thank you so much for being here and reading this. Your support means a great deal to me.

-Mimi